Up the duff at $3000 a throw

Jimmy Weasel - Thursday, 1 July 2004 - 12:57:05 - print it raw

Today is July, and the First Day of the Government funded baby-shower. As at midnight, all parents of newborns will receive a $3000 bribe to ensure the ageing populace has enough taxpayers to fund their ageing hips. Mainstream media is awash with stories about how the money will be squandered by those "unaccustomed" to it, and also of people endangering their unborn children's lives by simply "keeping their legs together until the wishing hour".

According to official sources, the scheme will be a lump sum payment, and will not be means-tested. The amount will also increase by $1000 every 2 years to become $5000 in July 2008. The government also makes it clear that babies born prior to the midnight cutoff will be eligable for a previous Maternity Allowance. Other schemes that came into effect this financial year are the Carer's Bonus and an increased Immunisation Allowance.

"It's a disgrace and an outrage" said one bystander, undeterred by cold weather. "I was born prior to June 2004; where do I apply?" he added before being quoted and forgotten.

Fortunately, this crazy budget also makes allowances for daycare centres to hold more infants at any given point, so the spawn have somewhere to congregate before being put to work. As yet, the governnment has not released information on a rumoured grant given to families of octagenarians who choose to euthanise as a means of relieving the burden on society and talkback announcers.