Jimmy Weasel - Saturday, 7 June 2003
This jar cost me $3.99. Dental work can host hundreds. Does it balance out? Can one lead to the other? We are getting ahead of ourselves...
I'd never thought about making sandwiches of marshmallows before, but upon this day, I was feeling adventurous.
"How much can it hurt?" I asked myself. Not very, is the likely answer. But spreading it upon pikelets or bread is reminiscent of spreading sticky putty. I can't get it off the knife. And now I have trouble moving the knife from the bench. There is no distinct odour, as most spreads tend to have, but I'd swear I could smell a whiff of tooth decay as I opened the jar. And a voice from behind said "What the hell is that?"
"Mr Fluffy's Marshmallow Fluff" I replied.
"I'm putting your rent up. You pay your own dentist bills from now on". The voice harangued.
It's a jar of pure SWEET, containing only 213g of glucose syrup, sugar, dried egg white and artificial flavour. To put things into perspective: 1 teaspoon (or 9 grams (whichever is the nearest (by far))) contains 30 calories.
"That's about the same as an apple" the same voice told me, seeming to know everything.
"I can't taste it though. It doesn't taste like marshmallow. It doesn't taste like anything" I stated. And it doesn't. All I can taste is sugar. So that's 60 bland calories I didn't need or enjoy.
But the intestinal invasion wasn't enough. I need more about my marshmallow fluff. Surely there's more than just spreading. And there is. The jar itself specifies how to make a milkshake using limited amounts of fruit, ice-cubes and a heaping helping of the Fluff. The website details recipes of how to ruin perfectly good cheesecake, popcorn and yoghurt.
If you don't care for teeth or taste, your spread is ready.