The Wax Conspiracy

I would like some guacamole on my chimichanga with a casadia of tomato, onion, and vegetables

Being that I have a somewhat spontaneous personality it is not on rare occasions that I do things that could later be described as foolish or idiotic. In fact, I often do things not because I want to but because I've never done them before. Case in point: paying $50 to go watch Slipknot. What the fuck was I thinking?

Possibly some of the most ill-advised things that I have done would have to include my forays into vegetarianism. There are three to speak of and, as such, much speaking will be done of them as I review them for the greater good of Baal, the God of the internet.

Since these life changing decisions were fuelled by the dizzying high of spontaneous un-plannedness and about 13 grams of smack I don't have the dates during which these events occurred. Well, I lie; I am fairly certain of the date of the last time I tried this foolishness. We'll get to that in a second.

Foray Into Vegetarianism No. 1:
While I can't tell you when this took place I can assure you that it only lasted about a week. I don't know why the madness came over me. I think that the first time I attempted to live that gruelling life of non-meat-eaters-hyphen, it was because of a certain pity that I felt for the animals that were being slaughtered to keep me fed.
I came home and told my mother (she who plans and effects the majority of my meals (thanks, Ma)) that I would no longer eat the meat of animals.
After about a week of self-induced meat seclusion I noticed that I was feeling very weak and very tired. After a few days of this I went to the doctor. Blood tests were promptly conducted. When the results came back I was informed that I had a very low iron count and that I was suffering from severe anaemia.
I was prescribed iron tablets. It took about two whole weeks before I felt normal again. I vowed that I would never attempt do 'that' to myself again.
Cut to...

Foray into Vegetarianism No. 2:
About six months after the aborted 'Foray Into Vegetarianism No. 1' I decided that maybe I should give it another go. This time I would do it right. I knew that iron pills were going to be essential as were mushrooms (meat for vegetarians) and a daily coffee enema. To be honest, the coffee enema was more of a sexual perversion type thing but we'll not throw rocks at that hornets nest.
I woke up one morning and decided that I would indeed become a vegetarian. I realised that with a little bit of planning and with the right inclination, I could make it happen. I made a list of all of the things that I would need and, content both in my preparation and my newly found sense of will power, I left for uni a changed man.
At uni I informed my friends of my decision and set to the task of not consuming meat. However, a few hours later I noticed that the university was having a free sausage sizzle. Any sense of will power and/or determination crumbled the minute that the odours of that fine, fine meal reached my nostrils.
I just couldn't resist the temptation of those freshly cooked sausages. Not only were they free and gloriously oily and unhealthy, they also came from a recently slaughtered animal (yes, all pity for all animals has all but disappeared (all)). There was no feasible way that I could resist that 1-2-3 combination.
'Foray into Vegetarianism No. 2' lasted approximately 4 hours.
Which leads us to...

Foray into Vegetarianism No. 3:
The decision to become a vegetarian came suddenly. Or maybe not. Maybe I'd planned it all along — subconsciously waiting for the right moment.
Anyhoo, this was decided over a smoked leg ham and brie sandwich just a few days ago (09/12/02). The sandwich itself was absolutely delicious and wasn't, in any way, the cause of my decision (relapse?). I've yet to decide why I'm attempting this absurdity again.
So far, I have yet to consume any meat and it's going pretty well. I figure to update as soon as I monumentally fuck up 'Foray Into Vegetarianism No. 3'. I figure to update in a few days time.

Belvedere Jehosophat

Reviewed on Tuesday, 10 December 2002

The Wax Conspiracy




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