Cheeks spread apart are easier to wipe than cheeks squished together. This is why you sit and spread when wiping, if you don't have a bidet, instead of standing up and feeling the squat of turd remnants Rorschach against your buttocks.
Never mind what the masses handle and scratch in the stalls. It's what happens when they front the wash basin of the scullery that's all important for the safety and hygiene of us all. Namely, the want of water and soap rushing together for at least 15 seconds in lather before they walk out the door.
Used to be there would be an attendant, standing there with mints in their pockets watching you as you exited the stall, giving you a slight glare with the intent of pushing your feet away from the door if your hands weren't smelling fresh of soap and hot water. Now, it's all an honour system and the faecal flecks holding strong onto the door handles shows we have no honour.
Some hawks on the line would rather install a camera and watch those people. But sometimes those hawks don't know the difference between washing and wiping and we come to a situation where a man is nabbed for installing a camera to spy on stalls. It eventually gets found out,
"I found the camera fixed in the duct of the air extractor. It was set in a position to film those who sat on the toilet seat. I immediately informed my boss who called the police," said the cleaner.
Reading your emails, tapping the pews of a basilica or the mats of a mosque, even breathing heavily on your phone line, all these methods of national security surveillance fail to guard against the real threat testing its hoop stress and buckling ankles.
When everyone is wiped out from the sickness that comes from brushing your eye or rubbing your lips with fingers that have touched the anal leakage of someone's curry or turtles, it's time to reconsider the real threats to our persons. Those who really terrorise our daily lives.
Had the toilet camera been instead focused on the sink and the door, then the pervert may have quietly become a local hero.
If standing up affords a greater gap than pinning one side on the seat does when you lean over, do so, because either way, keeping your knees apart is what matters in lessening the splat.
Written on Friday, 11 April 2014