The Wax Conspiracy

Purina Beneful doesn’t blend the blurred gender lines

Flip open a gooey stout tub of Chopped Blends wet dog food from Purina Beneful and right in the top corner is the company’s stance on the long-four legged debate: “You open. He’ll love.”

Dogs are boys. Cats are girls. The domesticated animal kingdom has rules no more clearly defined than that by children and the true facts they heard from a friend from a cousin of a friend at a park one time in the suburb across the creek.

Tear it open from the left onward into the descent of the right
Female dogs need not try to pry

And nothing will stand between Purina Beneful and any assertion against that fact. Big dog food has got a hoof in the game and it’s leaning clear to gendered factions.

It’s one thing to demarcate the basics of pet husbandry in hushed giggles between recess and lunch. Another to print those words and stake gender-exclusion on meals proper.

The line in the sand has been drawn. Dogs that identify as female in terms of genitals and headspace need not attempt to wander down this part of the pet food aisle with Beneful on their gender-bent minds. They’re serving the female dog slop over in the next aisle, behind the dumpster, caked in the weeks-long crystals of urine crunching underfoot.

It’s another step and toehold in the Right’s direction. After all, if we can’t agree on entrenching stereotypes from the base domesticated animals, what are we even doing as a society of exclusionists?

(And everyone knows that mice are Jewish.)

Ethan Switch

Written on Tuesday, 27 December 2022

The Wax Conspiracy

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