The Wax Conspiracy

We prepare against vampires as we drink the garlic sweat

Jam territory, a land preserving itself within an aural cacophony of meowing orange cats and where the social mores are on the other side of liberal. And the cosmopolis is tipping back more than olives in saltwater as the legions are preparing the guard against vampires. Again.

Spin the orreries and consult the mages, human population, as we gear up to witness a battle. One to be fought outside the non-ironic explosion of "paranormal romance" as a section in the book store where you cannot tell the difference between art and heavily photoshopped photos that come straight from the filters used in daytime soap operas. (The equipment has to land somewhere as Ron Moss is no more confined to glossing up the afternoon screens.)

Set up as a "garlic farm" in Bridport, UK, a newly converted vampire defence facility cloaking its wooden daggers under the guise of South West Garlic Farm has crowned its charge under the freshly blooded warrior by the conveniently pentasyllabic name of Oliver Farmer.

In a competition staged to see which media outlets would send reporters and who would just copy and paste from the BBC wire, Farmer downed a staggering 49 cloves to embed his blood, muscles and internal organs with the natural warding agent against those of Dracula's ilk.

(Farmer is one syllable greater than Nosferatu. It's always good to bring extra protection on the front.)

His second-in-command, Ali Harvey, said of the forge, "I'm full of garlic now but it was cracking fun." They are joined by 24 other humans ready to hold the line against the dark of night. A slay-ready sentry knight for each hour, with Farmer and Harvey overseeing each a 12-hour period.

Among their first missions will be to take down the vampires who have infiltrated the Peking University Cancer Hospital. Earlier, before the harsh dawn that creeps its sunlight across the horizon, they put out a call for the blood of 100 female virgins. In an age where everything is compared to a tech company based out of San Francisco, one user weebooed, "Male virgins are not needed, just females, how is this science?" Indeed. A question of many shackles raised, and one that can only mean vampires and other beasts thirsty for blood are sitting back, waiting for their meals to come to them.

Have at thee not, citizen. We shall die in cloves before we die in veins. Our warriors have been chosen and they will defend us.

For those looking to protect their own, put away your creams of crushed silverfish and stop rubbing up with lotions containing only 0.5% betamethasone. Men, women and children who want to protect themselves are advised to line up at the training sessions where Farmer's army will work out. Watch the sausage being made that comes in drips of garlic-infused sweat as the team spars. A collection pool underneath the grating system will feed the juice into bottles ready for drinking or injecting. A potent liquor brews to steel the human condition and save the human race.

Ethan Switch

Written on Tuesday, 17 September 2013

The Wax Conspiracy


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