The Wax Conspiracy

Making toilet paper out of copy paper

Copy paper, or any stock paper delivered in envelopes or from a summons, makes do for substitute toilet paper. In times of frugality and a rough adventure of the back end, all it takes is a little crumple power and patience.

Toilet paper made from copy paper
Copy paper or toilet paper?

Simple steps as follows:

  1. Grab a plain piece of paper. Source this from the mail, from the copy room or even from the batch of cover sheets to those TPS reports.

  2. Next, crumple up the paper into as tight a ball as the fist will allow. Make as many creases as possible without holes.

  3. Unfold and flatten. Take care not to tear or rip from any of the creases.

  4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 dependent upon the fortitude and mettle of the buttocks and especially the anus. The more repetitions, the softer the page will become. Gentle rolling in ball form helps.

After enough time, the once starchy and unfriendly page will break down into a less fierce proposition. Now it will feel more welcoming and relaxing for the sphincter to wipe with. Proceed to the end.

Be careful! There is a tipping point at which the paper will be at once soft and capable of holding a conversation with your back door and where it will collapse utterly and unforgivingly. At that slippery point you'll find yourself checking your own prostate.

For folders, it helps to scoop one half of the brown at a time.
Scrunchers will find better purchase using the edges of the paper as opposed to the centre.

Newspaper will not suffice. It stains.

Do not rush. There are no prizes for doing up your pants with a soiled hand.

Don't worry about possible paper cuts gashing the rump. With all the crumpling and squashing out of that paper, it will not bear much, if any, threat to the posterior.

And for those who worry about such things as needing more than just the single ply on a tight budget, fear not. Copy paper has double. The evidence presents itself below.

Splitting the seams of copy paper
2-ply toilet paper for notes

Ethan Switch

Written on Monday, 13 October 2008

The Wax Conspiracy



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