Ethan Switch - Monday, 10 March 2003
Vigilantes have been alerted to be on the lookout for a beaten up light brown/tan car. Make and model, possibly that of a Toyota Corolla, bearing a license plate ending in ---723. The car is reported to be that of a shady nature with the occupant within even more so. The driver is considered armed and possibly legless. Caution is advised when taking a bat to the driver's head.
The vehicle was last seen on Saturday, March 8, 2003, speeding Westward, after ploughing the kerbside shrub outside the headquarters of The Wax Conspiracy. Workers in the office watched in stunned awe as the car rose up from the side of the gutter directly with the shrub in its path. The vehicle then stalled and was temporarily bogged in the dirt with the shrub uprooted and under the front bumper. The driver momentarily removed himself from the car only to inspect on his predicament. Seconds later the vehicle was free and burning rubber up the quiet street.
There are rumours that the assailant was of a religious nature and did not take kindly to the recent spate of concerns voiced by The Wax in relation to theological matters and likely conspiracies. It is still unclear why a car—known to pedestrians as a vessel of mass destruction—would run down a bush—last seen burning in the eyes of arsonists and drunken men—then speed off without reciting chapters or a verse from the Bible, Quoran or a generic press release.
Though given the nature and stance of the Greens, it could have been a Red (an otherwise bred Commie). But there exists no passage on the wilful destruction of plants in the Communist Manifesto.