The Wax Conspiracy

Lose your keys to protect your house

Play the odds of backup home security and leave your extra set of keys hidden off the grounds of your own abode. Stash them instead in the crevices of some other location entirely. One off base and removed by at least a block. Preferably of an immovable setting, where the chance of washing away in a storm is minimal.

Flower pots, under the doormat, on the underside of the mailbox, hidden in a plastic rock, and on and on and on. All terrible hiding spots for anyone trying to keep their home safe while playing up the high chance of having left their keys inside the house or back at work in their other pair of socks and/or garters.

Don't even bother hiding the key(s) in a shed out the back, or as part of an upstart art installation.

No. Those eyes across the road in that Yiddish car sitting there for the last few days not-reading that textbook on jurisprudence is watching your hands fondle the surfaces of your home and keeping track of the things you touch around the plot before you find yourself back with your pants undone and sitting there in your undies watching the awkward Toadie & Steph conflict on Neighbours.

red fingernail polish on the walls of a toilet
no soap, no paper, definitely no go

The best place to hide your spare set of keys is where no one is likely to look. Say, in the gardenia's of that old lady at 26a who smells like camphor and drinks her Earl Grey two hours before she heads off to bed every night.

Namely, at someone else's house altogether.

Better yet, in a dimensional plane accessible only if you step through a chameleon circuit.

Ethan Switch

Written on Tuesday, 30 November 2010

The Wax Conspiracy



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