The Wax Conspiracy

Generous cult leader hands out salvation promised in bagels

Against the massive onslaught and commercial tide of twists and wraps, the order of Fervane Munitia has started a campaign to fight back. Ferdinand Tyrelli, high priest and high carb diet man, has started bombarding the menu of Fervane Munitia's sacrificial altar with a smorgasbord of bread, bagels and sizeable donuts from the pantry.

"Before the war," says high priest Tyrelli, forcing up a freshly cast virgin toward the ironing table, "the minions knew of the full bloat only bread can deliver. Now, they engorge their senses and stomachs with wraps of the filthiest kind. It's high time we took back the trays and returned the seats to their upright positions."

Followers of the self-proclaimed church are starting to notice the difference. Says one hooded black metal band fan, lost on his way to a beginner's sacrifice held on the other side of the harbour, "Once, I ate only the thickest and driest of covers. Since I got lost, I've found that there is nothing better to soak up the virgin's blood beyond a newly released tampon."

Ethan Switch

Written on Friday, 30 July 2004

The Wax Conspiracy

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