Kitchen Antics - The Mushroom and Salami Incident

Here's a great recipe to help you through the long winter nights, and owing to the amount of garlic, you'll have no problem with vampires or hawkers of any description. It's not as complex as other sauces, yet is rather tasty, as salami is comprised of animal fat and other tasty goodies that blend into the sauce like ninjas in to the night.

What you'll need

• 500g jar tomato & basil spaghetti sauce
• 50g Hungarian Salami ((Get the Otto Wurst. You'll thank me later)(Sliced into cross sections - about the dimensions of a 50c piece (should it be round). Then cut it into thin strips)
• 50g Button mushrooms sliced thin
• 50g onion
• Olive oil
• 1 clove garlic (or 1 teaspoon minced garlic. Don't use powdered garlic - that's lame. It's like pushing mong or riding a Vespa)
• 1 Acid Bath CD - 'Paegan Terrorism Tactics' played loud
• 1 teaspoon Chilli (find a tube of that 'Gourmet Garden'' stuff. Beats the hell out of chopping up your own chilli. Only it lacks the bite of a fresh chilli. If you are using a fresh chilli, use less. Unless you done got some stones. Then go crazy.)
• 1 box Barilla fettuccine
• 2 Icy Cold 'Asahi' Beers

Slice salami as described above, slice mushrooms and finely chop onions.

Avoid the application of beers to cake-hole until the majority of the knife work is complete. You'll thank me later.

Apply high heat to saucepan, and heat 1 tablespoon of oil. Add onions. Stir until they start to brown. Drop the hotplate down to medium and add the salami. It should start to smell like hotdogs as you stir. Now add the jar of sauce, the garlic and the chilli. Keep stirring, Mister! Now drop the temperature to low and add your mushrooms.

Crank up another hotplate to the highest setting and heat a saucepan filled 3/4 with cold water. Add salt to the water, but don't add the fettuccine until your water boils. Once the fettuccine has been added, reduce the temperature slightly and make sure it doesn't boil over.

Apply beers to cake-hole, and watch the pot boil - to hell with the rules.

When the fettuccine is cooked to your satisfaction, remove from heat, drain and apply it to your serving bowls. Add the sauce to the top and you are ready for some hot salami action.

Published on Saturday, 1 April 2006