For those of you who watch quality television you may recall an episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation that included a once New York police cop walking around in Miami looking at the hard evidence. A major crux of the story was bogged in of all things honey. It was a high quality, beyond the top of the shelf type of honey. The kind of honey only the naked skin should even allow to move all over like a well-choreographed hand in a sex scene. To be smothered in anything else would be a debasement for all concerned. If honey of the highest quality is being snubbed, then the whole sexual food experience is not worth exploring with a tongue.
But this isn't about the skin slowly and beautifully drowning in honey. It relates to the glistening gold liquid, honey.
As a seasoned eater of anything and damn near everything edible there is the tendency to coat everything destined for the mouth and ultimately the gut with condiments aplenty. First it was the marvel and ubiquitousness of tomato sauce, or ketchup for those who are accustomed to its name being so.
Next on after that would be the graduation onto mayonnaise, a sauce used that resembles cultured pus. To rid the mouth of the foul tasting jaunt, barbecue is recommended. There is nothing like watching a vegetarian sucking on meat extracts.
Mustard, the sauce of kings and ridden with a look of extremely lethal jaundice, was next in the trail of conquests. But despite the trails and blazes in the paths of the aforementioned 'add-ons,' nothing seems to be able to beat the all covering gold of honey.
Honey comes packaged in all sorts of containers following the extraction process. From jars to bottles there has always been one thing that has hampered its widespread use. The wait and mess involved. Using honey is not an easy task. Nor is it a quick one. If a fool is presented with a jar of honey they will pour the contents and find themselves either with a bowl or table of honey. This would be no problem if there were a warm, naked body waiting to be served. But on most occasions there isn't.
The other alternative would have been to use a spoon, but the wait on watching the smooth, slow stream would see most abandon the thought of reusing the utensil lest they 'contaminate' the source of honey.
But there have been developments as close to the toilet as anything else. The novelty of the aperture out of which the honey is released is the focus. There was some sensation a few years back about the unveiling of a newly developed twist nozzle that allowed for shorter waits and more accurate use of the honey.
The problem with the nozzle would be the fact that there was a little leftover, albeit ever so slight, on the tip of the bottle, much like a man in a hurry at the toilets. It was an unclean reminder of the need for a better dispensation technique in regards to honey. I think I have found such a solution to the problem. A solution developed by Coopers brewery, the owners of Leabrook Farms.
Possibly inspired by the nozzle idea the gurus of Leabrook Farms have presented to the world a pressure valve for releasing the gold of gods from its stasis. How have they been inspired? If the nozzle revolution could be described as a penis, then the "unique pressure valve" is most certainly the recreation of an anus.
Thanks to the pressure valve you can now dispense the honey effortlessly and without any mess. Holding the bottle upside-down the honey is released and squeezed through the hole until the pressure is taken off. At that point the flow quickly stops and there is no mess, unless you don't hold the bottle in a perfectly upright position. There is even a cap for hiding the "valve."
This has been the boon I've been waiting for. Now I can put honey on all manner of things that I eat, from the cereal in the morning, the sultanas for lunch, the tomato sauce tubs for snacks down to the meat in the salads. The world of widespread honey has a lot to thank for in the creation and inspiration of an anus.
Reviewed on Tuesday, 13 August 2002