The Wax Conspiracy

Today's Lubricant: A World of Flavour

The Internet tells me that to properly taste wine, the important points are to look, smell and then taste. Also, one is to check the "rim" of the glass to look for age of the wine, and to swirl the glass to find the body of the wine.

The Internet also tells me that taste is divided into three parts:

Initial taste (or first impression): This is where the wine awakens your senses (your taste buds respond to sensations)

Taste: Slosh the wine around and draw in some air (even if you do look funny in front of your dinner guests). Examine the body and texture of the wine. Is it light or rich? Smooth or harsh?

Aftertaste: The taste that remains in your mouth after you have swallowed the wine. How long did the taste last? Was it pleasant?

This is gibberish. I'm tasting LUBRICANT. It doesn't "swish." There is no "body." The only way to really appreciate the taste of lubricant is to squeeze it onto a spoon, preferably white (to appreciate the colour), and cram it into your mouth. "Swishing," as ordered by the Internet, is damn near impossible with lube, but I have done my best. Wine tasters will spit out the wine as they taste it to prevent drunkenness. That kind of thought is for cowards, and there's no risk of getting wasted here...

The lube does give a warm feeling as it slides down the oesophagus; possibly the body's natural reaction to peristalsis being rendered completely unnecessary due to the slippery nature of this product. For those interested as to how slippery eating lubricant makes the eating process, know that lubricant DOES NOT aid in the swallowing of dry toast or poorly chewed corn chips.

Perhaps a little more is required on slipperiness. I've known MrSheen or simple wood polish to get my desk slipperier, and it makes it much harder to walk on a cork floor in socks than any flavour of lubricant ever will. Yet it tastes much worse. We grow and learn.


This was the first lubricant I loaded up on my spoon, and much to my dismay, there was flavour! I had anticipated a lubricant with no flavour, but texture; just like water. Not only was there a taste, there was a bad taste. An unnatural plastic kind of taste that is clearly used as the base for all other flavoured lubes. This taste is difficult to describe as it is a combination of many things. A little superglue, a little sunscreen, a little plastic, and a few other things I fail to identify properly.


There is a slight pink hue about this lubricant that reminded me of roses. Pink ones. I don't know why though. The flavour was not really of the strawberries found in nature's gardens and supermarkets. The flavour reminded me of sitting in a dentist's chair and having my mouth filled with fluoride-treatment foulness. The taste was of emulated strawberry, and I cannot shake the association of such a flavour from having my teeth scraped and cleaned.


With a slight yellow tinge, this was my favourite of the three lubricants in question. The taste was not overpowering, yet not reminiscent of the bananas found upon the trees. I have a real banana in front of me, and it refuses to be next to this slippery wannabe. I was reminded of banana-flavoured confection from days gone by, maybe Allen's "bananas" or some such sweetie.

Both lubricants seem made of a base, possibly the "unflavoured" lubricant, and simply have the strawberry and banana chemicals added. The unmistakeable taste of the base is clear through both and a better flavour is sacrificed as a result.

Overall, I think more could be done with flavours. I checked the Internet site for a complete list of flavours, and found only strawberry & banana. I'd like to see coconut, mangosteen or even kiwifruit in the future. If I had to give ratings for flavour, I'd give strawberry a 5/10 and 5/10 for "realistic" taste and pleasantness respectively, while banana was rated 5/10 and 7/10 for the same qualities.

Reference: Tasting Wine: tasting techniques and the relationship between smell and taste.

Jimmy Weasel

Reviewed on Friday, 2 August 2002

The Wax Conspiracy



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