The Wax Conspiracy

Crawlspace cabbage is only good enough for potluck dishes

Ratlings, you'll find, are faecal deposits that line your walls and crawlspace. They're so-called because the size is like a small rat, bigger than a mouse, and often come with a tail-like drag. By the time you've found one the waiting period to exit the contract has lapsed.

Not to be confused with the Warhammer 40,000 abhumans, these house ratlings are neither gummy nor nutritious when roasted on an open flame. They are, as the chew suggests, better left to plug up the digestive tract of possums and other critters that might take refuge in the house while you're away.

If, however, you were to collect them, slice them and simmer them in a pot of brackish water, you should do well to keep the kitchen window (or at least the vent that exhausts into your face) open. The fumes that come out of the cooked... meat(?) is at first toxic and only after a few minutes will start to settle and become edible.

You should not eat this.

But it works best, or at least partially consumable, paired with something like an agapanthus. Lily of the Nile if needs be. Practically a garnish at this point. Garnishes. The first choice school of small herb gardens too young to grind into flakes that will sit unused in your cupboards and pantries before you throw them out after realising you spend five nights a week denying receipts.

As Edward Mordake once never said, “Kill me now.” Your reaction too, perhaps, should you ingest some of the meal. There is a limit to how much you can make a meal out of whatever gets expelled or extracted from an animal.

If then you find out it was cabbage all along, at least you'll be able to have something to bring to the next potluck dinner.

couple of elderly couples sit down to underwhelming transformation of ratlings into after course meal
Ennis Horsham (left): “I don't consider ratling any kind of dessert, even deep-fried and coated with powdered sugar.”

Ethan Switch

Written on Sunday, 28 December 2014

The Wax Conspiracy

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