Let's be clear on something, I love the law. I'm in love with the law.
Now when I say the law I don't mean police enforcement. No, police enforcement I view in the same dim light that I view the violent beliefs espoused by the Dalai Lama.
The reason I distrust those employed to enforce the law stems from the fact that I am both a foreigner and a minority.
I just know that when I get pulled over in my car by the cops, they're just looking for something to pin on me. Something to keep me and my Latino brothers down. This coupled with the fact that I don't actually have a driver's license or own a car puts me in a very compromised position.
No, when I say the law, I'm talking about the principles and regulations established by a government or other authority and applicable to a people, whether by legislation or by custom enforced by judicial decision.
I don't necessarily agree with all of the laws or of the sentencing involved with those laws, but I do believe that there has got to be some sort of judiciary.
People gots to know what is legal and what is not.
Like any good sugar daddy would know, in order to get the intimacy and/or companionship from our young charge we have to pay good money. No fake diamonds here!
In much the same way in order for the law to work properly we have to grease that sucker up good and proper.
That's right, the law is a terrible and fickle temptress. Simply put, the law costs money: you need a lawyer, you have to pay; you want to sue someone, you have to pay; you want to bribe a jury you have to pay.
This introduces some problems.
See the law is, in essence, for everyone. Everyone is equal before her hazel eyes and chestnut hair.
Poor people, however, being that they are poor often cannot afford the services of the law and often resort to solutions that are more gauche. This often includes shotguns, alcohol and the possible maiming of pets.
I know this because I am poor. I own a shotgun and some alcohol. Sadly my cat is no longer with us.
The law, like those shops that now sell 2 cent lollies for 5 cents, is subject to economic pressures.
Why is the law so expensive? Because of foreigners and minorities! No, wait that's me again.
No, the law is expensive because of all the useless litigation going around. This involves about eight million tonnes of bureaucracy and makes the law, which should be streamlined, about as slow and sluggish as an overweight pig on barbiturates.
'What should we do?' I can hear you asking. Well, I would if I trusted you were still reading this tripe.
I'll tell you anyway. There should be an independent party to make sure that useless litigation cases don't get off the ground.
I'll give you three case studies as to how this will work.
Case study 1:
Supplicant before the law: I want to sue the council because I fell down
Independent party of law: where did you fall?
SBL: in the street
IPL: what were you doing?
SBL: attempting to mate with a fish
IPL: get out of my court.
Case study 2:
SBL: I want to sue state rail cause I got hit by a pole while hanging out of the train.
IPL: why were you hanging out of the train?
SBL: I was teaching my watermelon to talk
Case study 3:
SBL: I want to sue the author of this stupid article
SBL: it was so lame, it made my eyes melt.
IPL: [after reading article] OK, go for it, here's a fiver.
As you can see, though my examples were kinda crappy, the idea behind it all is sound. We need independent auditors to make sure stupid and useless cases don't make it past the initial stages of litigation. We can call it the idiot patrol and we can give them capes. This will drive the price of the law down dramatically and will offset the cost of brand new capes.
In fact, I'm pretty sure that invoking the power and majesty of the law will be about as cheap as the cap of heroin that helped me write this article.
Published on Monday, 23 September 2002
I hope that what I have written will be of some assistance.