When I start writing an article, I usually have no idea what it's gonna be about.
Usually, I'll be sitting in my room to any and all ridiculous hours of the night by myself, all alone and I'll...oh, god I'm lonely...
Anyways, yeah, my articles are just a way of putting together the funny gags that I thought of during the day and, hopefully, tie them together under an over-arching theme. Bare in mind, when I say funny, I mean funny by my standards. Standards which have sunk to the lows of making jokes about injecting heroin into my eyes, my spiralling depression, my depressing spiral and of course, the perennial favourite, the cancerous sores on my penis...
The trick to writing an article or a rant or a letter to a judge explaining where your pants were on the day in question is confidence. Just pretend you know what you're doing.
Also, it's also probably good news also to also make fun of people that can't actually harm you. For example, I make fun of communists safe in the knowledge that Fidel Castro is old and fat and lives in Cuba. I also make fun of Capitalists safe in the knowledge that Santa Claus is old and fat and lives in the North Pole.
Sometimes, you can sometimes find yourself in the difficult position of not knowing what to write. Sometimes.
My trick is to sometimes randomly insert the same word into the sentence. This will sometimes make the article look somewhat bigger that it sometimes is. Sometimes. The good news from using that trick is that the reader will think that I am either a comic genius or a complete idiot. Both suit me fine.
Sometimes, that bit of chicanery won't work and so you find yourself resorting to other tricks. A very good trick is to change the subject so abruptly that one of two things will happen:
1. The reader will assume that it's all part and parcel of the article and will continue reading.
2. The reader will be confused as to how and why the subject changed, especially since it was so abrupt but will be so sick and tired of the infantile jokes and the overall lameness of the article that he won't be able to sum up the will to go back and reread the last paragraph in the hopes of finding a clue as to what is going on or what the author is talking about.
3. Long sentences are good too.
5. Funky break beats and rhymes.
Some people have resorted to telling false stories in the hopes of padding an article and making it seem longer or better. While I don't have any moral problems with people doing this, I've never found it necessary for me to resort to that. This is probably because I've got lots of great stories to tell. These stories stem from the fact that my father is an astronaut, my mother is a spy and my brother is Marie Curie.
Cleverly used spacing
is also a great way of making an article look bigger than what it actually is.
Pictures are also good. (I have no pictures.)
6. Using point form in an article can give it cohesion and a readability it might not initially have.
Furthermore, it is of a fundemental importance that the article doesn't incorporate too many words that are big and confusing. Aside from disconcerting or perplexing the target audience you might find yourself in the embarassing position of using a word badfully. For example, a lot of people might see the word 'loquacious' and assume it means 'talkative' when it is, in fact, the name of a Roman general.
Never be ashamed to repeat sentences or themes or even sections of the text. If it's good enough for newspapers, then it's good enough for you. It 'is also a great way of making an article look bigger than what it actually is. Pictures are also good. (I have no pictures.),' said Mr. Jehosophat.
Lastly, the final trick to writing an article is to not use your real name. This is simply a defence mechanism. It's now possible to deny your involvement in the piece.
This will buy you enough time to flee the country (preferably not Cuba or the North Pole), learn self-defence or just to accept the fact that the beating you are about to receive was probably more than deservedly deserved.
Published on Thursday, 10 October 2002
I hope that what I have written will be of some assistance.