Done for guests and 2am home inspections more than our regular day-dripping selves, a tidy house is a spur of the moment facade that makes us feel like we're in control and have a sense of order in our lives. Upkeep is a chore and a clean surface is a lie. Throw a party and have the unsuspecting partygoers do your bidding instead.
When the very sensible horde descends upon your abode, they care not for the shelves to be dusted, the bolls to be sucked off nor for the picture frames to be straightened out. They want room to move and access to food and drink.
Provide these and enough floorspace to shuffle back and forth from one end of the room to another. Enjoy the night. Partake in their company and nibble on those nuts and cucumber sandwiches. Pour more Dr Pepper into that fountain of youth spring you call punch (but we all know it's just a couple of melted buckets of sorbet).
If you're feeling rowdy and a bit on the wild side, pull out a game of Cluedo or Operation and experience the thrill of wholesome fun as you lament the smoke that comes from your idiot box cum fish tank gone thief bait because you need to gut the cathode ray tube first next time.
When all is said and done, the close of night will come. The scofflaws will have taken off with their dirty shoes and disagreeable conflicts of politics and philosophy on Proust. One by one the guests will leave and you will find a few here and there wanting to linger.
Now is the time to pounce.
Simply ask for their help to tidy up the place after the wild night of Boggle and/or Scrabble has taken place. Before you know it, and before they do, you'll now have a slightly cleaner flat/house/caravan.
Your humble abode is now less a mess through the pretense and motivation of forcing yourself into hosting a social occasion.
For best results, position your filthy mess around areas where the scene is happening. Nobody is coming over to a house party to go elbow deep into your thunderbox.
Written on Wednesday, 21 September 2011