The Wax Conspiracy

Eating fish that can walk isn't pescetarian

Hospital gowns that open in both the front and back are actually torn. In which case you need to find tape, or at least another gown. So it is that when fish supplies are gutted from both ends, it’s time to look for something else to pick out of your teeth.

When all the fishing can’t keep up with a post-diluvian hunger, it’ll be quiet, too quiet, on the seas that net the bulk of tuna that ends up in a can that you have to scrap the edges of before you send it to recycling because the scales are melded into the ridges like that last bit of desperation.

If you’re riding high in the Pacific, it’s heading fast into the abyss of nothingness quick.

“We have to take drastic steps,” president Tommy Remengesau Junior said. “There are species of bluefin and species of bigeye tuna that are dangerously close to becoming unsustainable. Those are the hard facts that we have to look at.”

Over in the Canada though, they’re freaking out the evolution of fish walkers by making fish walkers. Out of the surf and into the turf, birchirs are made to purchase land with their fins from a young age.

“The fish raised on land appear to be walking more effectively,” [Ottawa physiologist Emily Standen] said. “They plant their fins closer to body mid-line when they’re walking, which allows them to support themselves more effectively. And they lift their heads higher off the ground.”

Combined with the emptying of seas by hunger, and now science, this all seems to point toward an attack on the pescetarian way of life. Especially when the moral quandary of snacking on vertebrate animals washes out when the seafarers become land grabbers. What do you do then when your fin meal is a hoof meal? Eat mushrooms and pretend it’s meat for vegetarians? Hardly.

An opsonic push to get those stinking of fish breath to permit their diets to follow into the dirt kicking meat lots.

If anything should come from all this overfishing is that they should look toward Japan as an example of how to do it right. In the name of succulent research.

Earlier in the year Japan called off their shopping expeditions of tasty whale blubber, but now not that many months later, are looking to start up the harpoons again. Word straight from a legit top level legate,

“I want to aim for the resumption of commercial whaling by conducting whaling research in order to obtain scientific data indispensable for the management of whale resources,” [Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe] told the committee, according to the Guardian.

In the time it takes to go through one and half toothbrushes, Japan have realised you can’t do science on an empty stomach.

The next logical step is to teach whales how to walk on land. Beaching only gets you so far from the lassoo of that harpoon.

Ethan Switch

Written on Tuesday, 2 September 2014

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